This is a post that I really don't like posting, but I really want some of my feelings written down so that I can look back and remember them all. I really don't like showing when I am having a hard time and I really don't like feeling vulnerable. In fact, I am very good at hiding when I am feeling it, but there have been so many reminders lately that it is starting to be somewhat overwhelming. It started two weeks ago when Cayden's school had an end of the year party. Last year I was at that party helping out his teacher when...my water broke. I didn't know what it was at the time because it had been raining and because of the fact I was only 19 months pregnant I never expected my water to break.
The feeling kind of hit me out of no where and I was not expecting it. Actually, I was....but I thought I had prepared myself a little better. I guess there really is no way to prepare for reminders such as these.
Next one, baseball and soccer. I missed most of the games last year because I was in bed rest. This year I have gone to all the games, yet it still just seems different. The biggest reminder of all has been the Relay For Life. Last year I was one of the co-chairs, but because I was so sick I had to step down. This year I am the accountant and the closer it gets the harder it gets. Relay was on June 20-21 last year. I went the night of the 20th to watch Curtis walk the survivor's lap. My dad had a reclining chair set up for me under a cover and they had a golf cart ready to take me to and from the bathroom. I stayed for a little while and then Curtis took me home. I remember crying watching him walk the lap. I have always been so amazed at the courage Curtis showed while he went through his chemo and fought the cancer. He is such an amazing person and I love him so much.
The following Sunday, the 22nd, I did not feel well all day. I laid in the chair while Curtis and the boys were at church and I knew something was wrong. I didn't know what, but I knew. I had a lot of back pain and it just would not go away. We ended up going to mom's house for dinner. They served me my dinner on the couch. I finally could not take the pain anymore and asked Curtis to call the hospital to see if they would just give me a prescription for some pain meds. We were on a first name basis with all the delivery staff because in the past four weeks we had been there almost every other day. They requested I come in and that is when I broke down. I didn't want to go to the hospital again. I felt somehow that this would be a defining visit.
That day at my mom's house my entire family happened to be there. Curtis, my dad, my three brothers, and my brother-in-law all gathered around me and I received a blessing. We knew right then that our sweet Mayson was not going to be with us for long. We all knew it.
I feel so lucky for so many things that happened last year. I can see so many blessings that came from every struggle. I feel so lucky to have had our sweet Mayson with us for the 35 minutes he was here. I love the feeling of him being with us...I will never forget that. Sometimes I feel him so close to me still....I long for those moments.
The reminders are good, but they are also hard.
